Secret Thoughts

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For a good part of my life, I've walked around wondering what people are thinking of me. And to be honest, I haven't been "wondering". I've been telling myself what people are thinking - and it's usually never something positive. And maybe they are actually thinking whatever terrible things I think they're thinking.

But right now I'm thinking more about the good things people think. These "people" could be complete strangers, your closest friends and family and everyone in between too.

I wonder how many times we think a good thought about someone and not share it with them? I know it can be really akward to share a good thought with a stranger, "I love your hair, dress, smile, eyes, etc." I remember my husband telling a woman that he liked her dress and she seemed to react as if he was trying to pick up on her.

But what about the people we love the most? Are we telling them? And I mean really telling them? The kind of stuff that people stand up and say at a funeral. The things that you whisper to someone on their deathbed.

My brother Michael died in November last year. Evidently, he'd been carrying around a deep pink tourmaline stone for 15 years. I received it for my 40th birthday last week. Michael gave it to our brother Bobby when Bobby was there about a month before Michael died. Bobby sent it to me with a card that read, "in his last days he made it a point to get it to you! What a smile on his face as he made me promise to get it to you! He sure loved you, sis."

I know he loved me. And while I am grateful to have this now and will forever cherish it. I wish I had known when he was here. I also wish I had shared with him earlier what I ended up telling him as he slipped in and out of consciousness in November.

Don't wait another second. We don't have that kind of time.

Make time. Share your good, secret thoughts.

Risk.

Love and be loved.

On Turning 40

I turned 40 on Wednesday, the 11th.

You know how people sometimes ask you on your birthday, "do you feel any different?" And you might say to yourself, "I don't. Is that bad? Should I feel different?" Or you might stand in front of a mirror like Molly Ringwald in 16 Candles and examine your body for changes. And not really notice anything different. That's been my experience, anyway.

I feel completely different and completely unchanged all at the same time.

I keep saying "I'm 40" in my head and then getting a little freaked out. The immediate follow up question is, "how is that even possible?" People who are older than 40 roll their eyes at my freaked out-edness. People who are younger than 40 (but older than 30) look at me and tell me I don't look 40. I like these people. A lot. :) The under 30 people cannot be trusted so I don't ask them. :)

When I was 10 years old, 40 sounded really old (heck, 30 sounded really old). The truth is, it still does. I didn't think I would ever be 40 and especially not be 40 and still get pimples (total bs, people). But I also never dreamed I would be so blessed...with love and friends and dreams come true. And a hair dresser who can cover the gray so beautifully. :)

Getting older can be scary but I'm actually looking forward to those reading glasses with the rhinestones. I hope to wear them on a chain around my neck and search around the house for them for hours. And then forget what the hell I was looking for in the first place. It's going to rock.