Perfection

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Rebecca and me at a Christmas party, 12.11.08

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This picture could look better. It's a little blurry, I would have preferred it to be more zoomed-in, we were supposed to be posing but were cracking each other up instead.

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So, yeah. It could look better. But I don't see how it could be better. Two friends with their arms around each other, laughing and truly enjoying each other. What could be better?

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I've been wrestling with my perfectionism lately. Well, longer than lately but I've been more present to it lately. Moving to a new house, trying to figure out where to put everything, getting overwhelmed and being stuck. Being completely stopped.

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My mantra has become, "you're not stuck with anything." I've been practicing just making a decision - "the dishes will go in this cupboard" - and knowing that if that doesn't work or something else seems better later, the dishes can easily be moved to another cupboard. I've also had to take it much slower this time around as I've been ill and also grieving. This is not an easy task for me - taking it slow - letting go. I want everything in its place and I want it to be ~ perfect.

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I am starting to realize, like with the picture above, so much can be missed while waiting on perfection. And it really doesn't matter what cupboard the dishes are in. ;)

My Mom

my mom, 2008 - her 73rd birthday at King Estate Winery in Eugene, OR

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I wonder why some people think that having a baby - the actual act of a baby growing inside them - makes them a mom? I don't have kids nor have I ever been pregnant, so I won't pretend to know. I can only speak for myself and for my own experience.

I was adopted so I didn't "grow inside my mom's tummy" - or as I tell her - "just because I didn't come out of your vagina doesn't make you any less my mom". She loves when I talk to her like that. ;)

I know with 100% certainity that this woman was meant to be my mom. We were meant to be together and adoption was the way it had to happen. She had four boys and wanted a girl - or as she put on the paperwork she wanted "a girl with brown eyes who was cuddly". Sometimes I think she got more than she bargained for. ;)

I've been reading Boho Girl's blog - she just adopted a baby and as far as I can tell, all the feelings are the same. The pure joy, the unconditional love, the welcoming of the baby into the family. The fact that a baby doesn't have to grow inside you to make you a mother.

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The fact that my mom is the best mom I could have ever grown beside.

my mom, 2008 - Scandanavian Festival in Junction City, OR

Frazzled

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Some days are just like this. There's just no getting around it. And actually, some weeks, some months and even some years are like this.

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I have a cough that won't go away which makes it difficult to sleep which makes it difficult to function.

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We moved the weekend of Thanksgiving and the boxes are fewer but still overwhelming. Not to mention the fact the guilt from the voice telling me that we need to put up our Christmas tree and decorations soon. And the fact that I don't even know if I want to.

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I'm pretty sure Christmas comes whether or not you put up a stocking for your dog or a teapot shaped like a snowman (which was a gift from your mom so you really should put it out).

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In spite of all this (and other complaints and worries) - I'm looking for joy where ever I can find it....

...finding baskets at Goodwill for $1 and then seeing very similar baskets at Bed, Bath and Beyond for $15.

...a squirrel tight rope walking across the electrical line in the backyard.

...sharing candy with friends at a movie about a dog who thinks he has super powers and a hamster who steals the show.

...sunny days in Oregon in early December.

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I'm going to unpack some more - and go to the doctor today. And look for joy in every moment.