Secret Thoughts

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For a good part of my life, I've walked around wondering what people are thinking of me. And to be honest, I haven't been "wondering". I've been telling myself what people are thinking - and it's usually never something positive. And maybe they are actually thinking whatever terrible things I think they're thinking.

But right now I'm thinking more about the good things people think. These "people" could be complete strangers, your closest friends and family and everyone in between too.

I wonder how many times we think a good thought about someone and not share it with them? I know it can be really akward to share a good thought with a stranger, "I love your hair, dress, smile, eyes, etc." I remember my husband telling a woman that he liked her dress and she seemed to react as if he was trying to pick up on her.

But what about the people we love the most? Are we telling them? And I mean really telling them? The kind of stuff that people stand up and say at a funeral. The things that you whisper to someone on their deathbed.

My brother Michael died in November last year. Evidently, he'd been carrying around a deep pink tourmaline stone for 15 years. I received it for my 40th birthday last week. Michael gave it to our brother Bobby when Bobby was there about a month before Michael died. Bobby sent it to me with a card that read, "in his last days he made it a point to get it to you! What a smile on his face as he made me promise to get it to you! He sure loved you, sis."

I know he loved me. And while I am grateful to have this now and will forever cherish it. I wish I had known when he was here. I also wish I had shared with him earlier what I ended up telling him as he slipped in and out of consciousness in November.

Don't wait another second. We don't have that kind of time.

Make time. Share your good, secret thoughts.

Risk.

Love and be loved.

On Turning 40

I turned 40 on Wednesday, the 11th.

You know how people sometimes ask you on your birthday, "do you feel any different?" And you might say to yourself, "I don't. Is that bad? Should I feel different?" Or you might stand in front of a mirror like Molly Ringwald in 16 Candles and examine your body for changes. And not really notice anything different. That's been my experience, anyway.

I feel completely different and completely unchanged all at the same time.

I keep saying "I'm 40" in my head and then getting a little freaked out. The immediate follow up question is, "how is that even possible?" People who are older than 40 roll their eyes at my freaked out-edness. People who are younger than 40 (but older than 30) look at me and tell me I don't look 40. I like these people. A lot. :) The under 30 people cannot be trusted so I don't ask them. :)

When I was 10 years old, 40 sounded really old (heck, 30 sounded really old). The truth is, it still does. I didn't think I would ever be 40 and especially not be 40 and still get pimples (total bs, people). But I also never dreamed I would be so blessed...with love and friends and dreams come true. And a hair dresser who can cover the gray so beautifully. :)

Getting older can be scary but I'm actually looking forward to those reading glasses with the rhinestones. I hope to wear them on a chain around my neck and search around the house for them for hours. And then forget what the hell I was looking for in the first place. It's going to rock.

6 Things That Make Me Happy

Woz from The Bubble Gum Inspiration tagged me for the Six Things That Make Me Happy meme. I don't know what meme is. But here are 6 Things That Make Me Happy.



1. Playing kickball. We just started on an indoor league and I was so happy the first time I kicked the ball - first time in probably 28 years - and I did good! Running from 2nd to home however made me want to lie down.



2. Finding old friends and classmates on Facebook. And remembering cool stuff with them - like Naugles.



3. Molly standing on her hind legs to look out the window at squirrels.



4. When I make someone laugh so hard, they spit out their drink.



5. Skating in a circle to 80s music.



6. Every second with Malcolm.



Here are the Rules for this meme: Link to the person who tagged you. Post six things that make you happy along with these rules. Then tag six others (letting them know, of course). Let the person who tagged you know when your entry is complete.
I'm tagging Caution: Human Being, Kristin's Good Life, And That's Why I Travel, Dandelion Seeds. I'm tagging 4 instead of 6 - breaking rules makes me happy! :)

Looking forward to your lists!

Part of Life

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I put a mini Landmark Forum leader in my head the other day. I was having one of those days and I thought, what if I got up and shared this at the Landmark Forum? How would the leader coach me? I came to a conclusion rapidly after that.

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I was stuck in the "what ifs" and basically living in the past. I, like most people, have had my heart broken - put my trust into another person and found out that one person's "forever" is well, not.

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So, I was what iffing myself - what if my husband doesn't really love me? What if he leaves me? What if, what if, what if?

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Is it really worth it? Is loving someone and trusting them with your heart worth it? Because the pain of them not loving you anymore - or maybe having not loved you at all - can be unbearable. Maybe it's better to just be alone and not have that pain in your life. Or possible pain. Or worry about the possible pain. (And for the record, my husband didn't and doesn't do anything to cause my doubt - that's all me choosing to live in the past in those moments of doubt).

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And then the LF Leader in my head asked me what about the people in my life who die? Isn't that painful? Doesn't it hurt to lose them?

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Yeah, I thought - but that's just part of life. I wouldn't give up my mom now because she'll die later. It's going to hurt, sure, but I can just cherish every moment I have with her NOW. Because dying is just a part of life.

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OH!

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What if loving someone and being hurt is part of life too?

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And what if everything is just a part of life - getting stuck at the railroad tracks when you're late for work, stubbing your toe, picking up dog poop, etc.? It's all part of life.

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And all we really have is right now anyway. The possibility of being hurt still exists but I'm choosing the possibility of love right now instead.

Cure~All

I completely agree with Anne Lamott as quoted in my blog banner - and it's where I got the name for my blog - “…the secret to life is obvious: be here now, love as if your whole life depended on it, find your life’s work, and try to get hold of a giant panda. If you had a giant panda in your backyard, anything could go wrong -- someone could die, or stop loving you, or you could get sick – and if you could look outside and see this adorable, ridiculous, boffo panda, you’d start to laugh; you’d be so filled with thankfulness and amusement that everything would be o.k. again.”

A panda is a total cure-all.

And that's why I had to have this purse which arrived in the nick of time. ;)
















It also helps to have friends who are willing to do this with your new panda purse...















I love the Candace. :)

Explosion of Sadness

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angel at the foot of the dogwood tree

planted in memory of my brother Michael

November 2008, Tennessee

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"You cannot prevent the birds of sadness from passing over your head, but you can prevent their making a nest in your hair”

~ Chinese proverb

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I haven't wanted to feel it.

So I push it down.

down

down

down

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Packing it tight.

Ignoring, pretending, nodding.

Holding it

tight.

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It all came pouring out yesterday.

All.of.it.

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I discovered that I think that it's not okay to be sad. And it's especially not okay to share your sadness (your sorrow, your out-right grief) with others. If someone asks you "how are you?", the only safe answer is "fine". Especially for me. I'm the funny one, the fun one, the one who makes you shoot your drink out of your nose with laughter.

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But all that faking just leads me deeper down the hole. I managed to throw out a rope and my husband and my Julie were there to pull me out. To help me untangle the nest.

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The next time you ask me how I am, you may just hear the truth.

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And you still shouldn't drink liquids around me. ;)

Freeze Frame

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"In 20 years, you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked." ~ Mary Schmich

I saw a picture of myself the other day and started picking it apart. "I'm too this; I'm not enough that." Then I remembered the event and how much fun it was, who was there, how hard I laughed. How happy I was.

From now on, I'm practicing focusing on the fun, the love and the laughter and not what my hair looked like or how squinty my eyes get when I smile.

Because in the end, it's the love we give and receive that matters. Not what we looked like while doing ~ and being ~ the love.

Courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow." ~Mary Anne Radmacher

And sometimes courage is dressing up like a crazy cat lady for your friend's skate party because the evite said to dress "silly".

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Isn't that right, Dr. Horrible?