No More Excuses

This hit me today, while talking to my dear, dear Kristin - that maybe one of the reasons it took me this long to go on this weight loss journey is that once I did this, there'd be no more room for any kind of excuses.

I wouldn't be able to say, "I can't" or "it's impossible".

Because I'm doing the "impossible" right now.

Dammit! Why didn't I think of this sooner!! :)

Confidence

Here's my face at officially 30 lbs. less than it was on Nov 21, 2011.

I'm trying to not say: "but I have so much more to lose".


I've lost 30 lbs. in 2 months!! I am SO doing this!!

I don't know if people are noticing...I haven't heard much in that arena. But I am seeing some differences - in my face, loser clothes, loser rings, etc.

One of the biggest differences though is my confidence - or lack of self-consciousness.

I'm still overweight, still want to lose over 100 lbs - but I feel GOOD. I know it's because even though I weigh xxx lbs right now, the feeling of hopelessness is gone. I'm in action.

I'm confident.

Suck on that, shame. ;)

Shame

Been turning this one over and over - I really didn't want to share about my weight loss journey because in the past, when I'd share, and then fail, I would feel so much shame. To have to tell people or answer questions or have people see me gaining it back or to stop trying.

It's scary.

This is coming up right now because I went for an opportunity that I really wanted and it didn't work out and I find myself wishing that I just hadn't shared it with anyone so I don't have to now share that I didn't get it.

More on this soon(er or later).

Like I said, it's scary.

ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMb-AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

So I did an hour of zumba with my JoJo on Monday night. I SO did not want to go. And 10 minutes in, I was thinking, no way. I can't do this. My arms are already killing me.

Then an hour later, I had did the whole hour and am going back for more twice a week!

At some point, I just told myself that I was going to do it - to keep going. I modified it some (as the instructor instructed that she was going to bounce off the walls and we shouldn't feel like we needed to keep up with her supreme bouncey level of zumba).

So yeah, at some points, I was just doing the African Anteater Ritual but it worked my shit over and I did it.

I am doing it. ;)

Out Loud

I said it out loud to people last night.

I've lost 22.5 lbs. in 7 weeks.

Then I immediately said, "but I've still got, like 200 lbs. to go".

Which isn't true (but I'm not ready to discuss numbers yet).

Why can't I just celebrate the accomplishment and not undermine with a second statement like that?

Because it's true. And sometimes it feels unsurmountable.

And there you go.

Ch-Ch-Changes

Time to pat myself on the back as week 7 comes to a close.

I'm down 22.5 lbs. and 45.25 inches on last check (last checked 2 weeks ago and I get that checked again this week, I think).

In 49 days, I haven't had sugar, fast food, diet soda (or any other soda), caffeine, or alcohol and very, very little salt/sodium. I also eat all meats sitting at the table (not in front of the TV) and use my dishes, silverware, etc. (so nice to not eat off a wrapper!).

I drink 100 oz. of water a day (and pee myself silly).

Every night, I plan what I'll be eating the next day and then just follow that plan. I weigh and measure everything I eat.

I'm down about 2 sizes in jeans but can't really find any that fit right now so I bought a new, smaller belt {stupid smaller waist with bigger butt!}.

I cut my knee shaving the other day because I'm not used to the smaller surface area. ;)

I rock. :D

Deprivation 2

I can see that any choice in my life leaves me "deprived".

Choosing to not have children deprives me of buying cute, tiny clothes and watching them grow up and the kind of love that only people with children know. But having children would deprive me of sleeping in, freedom to do what I want, when I want, etc.

I think it's the same with anything. Being married, jobs, etc.

When I choose one thing, I'm also choosing to not have the opposite - aka: there are pros and cons to everything.

So far, not having cake is less of a con than a smaller ass.

So far. ;)

Deprivation

I went to a class at Metabolic Research Center called "Making New Year's Resolutions that Work".

One of the points in a 10 point approach is "ditch the deprivation perception". The idea being to look at this diet plan as a lifestyle change, a choice, a commitment to yourself and my health.

Sitting there, I had an A-HA moment. I was thinking, "yeah, I'm committed but I am depriving myself of chocolate, tacos and what-not". BUT - I could have those things and then be depriving myself of being thin, healthier, wearing cute clothes, going on beach vacations unselfconsciously, etc. So either way, there's "deprivation" going on. It's just a matter of which one I want to live more without (or with).

*Choice* {word for 2012}

Also, choose, choosing.

I haven't done resolutions for years. And let's face it, I never really "did" them, even when I made them. A big part of the reason was that they were always too broad - lose weight. That's pretty overwhelming - and can still be overwhelming, but I'm focusing on choice.

Dictionary.com, defines choice as an act or instance of choosing. Choosing is defined as selecting from a number of possibilities; picking by preference - or to prefer or decide, to want, desire.

None of these quite ring true for me and I'm choosing {see what I did there? ;)} more the definition - or distinction from the Landmark Forum....

The Nature of Choice

The power to choose is uniquely human. We all have a high interest in shaping the course of our lives – making the right choices and pursuing what is important to us. One commonly held view regards choice as merely reacting to, or selecting among, the existing options. Here we take another view.

In this section, we explore choice as a profoundly human ability to create. When choice is understood and known in this way, what had previously seemed simply part of “the way things are” – inevitable or impervious to change – appears in a new light. We find ourselves able to choose – to have a say – about who we are and who we will be, as the author of our lives in any and all situations.

Word.

That's it. Exactly.

I'm creating a life I want, that's important to me. I have the say, the power to make it so.

I think William Ernest Henley said it best:
"I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul."

Today is day 43 of my weight loss journey. I've lost 19.5 lbs. and at last check, 45¼ inches. It's still a long road and some days, I feel like I'll never get there (patience has never been one of my strong suits). But really, I do know I will get there. I keep choosing and I've never felt so sure. In the last 43 days, I've faced Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, Birthdays and dinners out (and last night, a majorly fantastic looking cake that seemed to be calling to me). And I've made the choices that align with my goals and commitments to myself and my health. What's more, I'm more present and happy. Deliriously happy that my commitments and actions are finally matching up.

I think that's part of the heartache involved in anything we say we want but do not have. Every time I make a choice that's not aligned with what I say I want, I beat myself up and tell myself that I'm "bad" and "wrong" and other not nice things. Then I become what I believe - someone who doesn't keep her word (to the most important person, myself) and then my actions match up with someone who doesn't keep her word and down the rabbit hole I go.

I believe I can do this. I am doing this. I am making myself proud.