Letting Go of Perfection

I'm going to Hawaii in a couple of weeks and I asked my husband (aka Shmoopie) this morning: "do you think if I planned it and made a conscious choice, it would be okay to have ONE shave ice in Hawaii?"

He basically told me that this weight loss journey is more about creating new habits - and in the past, I wouldn't plan, or think or make any kind of conscious choice. I would just eat whatever the hell I wanted, whenever I wanted.

This sounds simple. It is. But not easy.

Not for a perfectionist like me. BUT - this perfectionism is part of what got me here (m.o.) in the first place. I would think: "well, I can't do all that perfect {eat only healthy foods 100% of the time, exercise for whatever time/length "they" tell you to, etc. etc. etc.} so I just won't do ANY of it."

And I didn't. AND not only did I not do ANY of it, but it was all so overwhelming and god damned depressing that I just ate and ate and ate more.

And now, I'm doing the very best I can do, and planning ahead and making choices and getting that this is for life - not till I get to whatever weight and then back to the old ways. AND I'm getting that I can be healthy, make healthy choices and have a shave ice in Hawaii. I won't be beating myself up about it.

I'll be eating it while wearing my new bathing suit top that I had to buy because my old one was falling off - and my much looser than last summer swim shorts. :)

Aloha!

*Choice* {word for 2012}

Also, choose, choosing.

I haven't done resolutions for years. And let's face it, I never really "did" them, even when I made them. A big part of the reason was that they were always too broad - lose weight. That's pretty overwhelming - and can still be overwhelming, but I'm focusing on choice.

Dictionary.com, defines choice as an act or instance of choosing. Choosing is defined as selecting from a number of possibilities; picking by preference - or to prefer or decide, to want, desire.

None of these quite ring true for me and I'm choosing {see what I did there? ;)} more the definition - or distinction from the Landmark Forum....

The Nature of Choice

The power to choose is uniquely human. We all have a high interest in shaping the course of our lives – making the right choices and pursuing what is important to us. One commonly held view regards choice as merely reacting to, or selecting among, the existing options. Here we take another view.

In this section, we explore choice as a profoundly human ability to create. When choice is understood and known in this way, what had previously seemed simply part of “the way things are” – inevitable or impervious to change – appears in a new light. We find ourselves able to choose – to have a say – about who we are and who we will be, as the author of our lives in any and all situations.

Word.

That's it. Exactly.

I'm creating a life I want, that's important to me. I have the say, the power to make it so.

I think William Ernest Henley said it best:
"I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul."

Today is day 43 of my weight loss journey. I've lost 19.5 lbs. and at last check, 45¼ inches. It's still a long road and some days, I feel like I'll never get there (patience has never been one of my strong suits). But really, I do know I will get there. I keep choosing and I've never felt so sure. In the last 43 days, I've faced Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, Birthdays and dinners out (and last night, a majorly fantastic looking cake that seemed to be calling to me). And I've made the choices that align with my goals and commitments to myself and my health. What's more, I'm more present and happy. Deliriously happy that my commitments and actions are finally matching up.

I think that's part of the heartache involved in anything we say we want but do not have. Every time I make a choice that's not aligned with what I say I want, I beat myself up and tell myself that I'm "bad" and "wrong" and other not nice things. Then I become what I believe - someone who doesn't keep her word (to the most important person, myself) and then my actions match up with someone who doesn't keep her word and down the rabbit hole I go.

I believe I can do this. I am doing this. I am making myself proud.

No Pie? No Ham? No Cheesecake?

One of the things that's been interesting to me while doing a weight loss plan during the "HOLIDAYS" is that I'm left to wonder what these holidays are about when I take food out of the equation.

I plan my meals one day ahead and for Thanksgiving, I planned on turkey, green beans, yams with berries for dessert. Then it hit me. No pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving??!?! How is it Thanksgiving without pumpkin pie?

So I really started looking. What is Thanksgiving without pie, without stuffing myself till I hurt, without food? For me, it was a really fun day with friends who are family, playing games and laughing. And I ate well and was satisfied. I wasn't hungry. I wasn't stuffed and I didn't feel guilty.

Something to definitely be thankful for.

It came up again for Christmas - what? no ham? No cheesecake? Nope. I'm making a beef roast, green beans, yams and an apple/pineapple fruit thing for dessert. But I'm not giving up the presents!! And next year, I'll be looking for some new clothes under the tree!!

I'm also practicing being conscious and present to what I do have - not what I "can't" have.

And, as far as what I "can't" have, I had my fair share of all of that stuff (and probably your share too). I definitely didn't miss out in life on all the goodies and desserts and all that. And not to say I'll never have them again but for now, I'm not and so far, so good. :)

Weighting Game

I started a weight loss program on Mon/Nov 21 (yes, Thanksgiving week). And as of Mon/Dec 19 (day 29), I've lost 17 lbs. I've got a long way to go but I've lost 17 lbs. so far - and during the holidays.

The program is with Metabolic Research Center and I'd heard of them and had many several appointments in the last year but never made it in.

I finally went in and was so moved by the women working there and the success stories and photos, that I cried. I think it was because of something I had given up on long ago - HOPE.

I've been overweight for over 20 years - probably closer to 25 years - and let's face it - actually morbidly obese (is there a worse term in the world?) for 10-15 of those years.

Of course, I'm impatient and want to be thin NOW. This is my mantra that's keeping me going though...

I just decided today that I'm going to write and share about this journey. And that scares the shit out of me (almost as much as the journey itself).

More soon....