New Rule

This is the new rule at my house (and within earshot of me).

I'm practicing it for myself, for sure.

I didn't lose 72.5 pounds (and more to come) only to put myself down because of this, that or the other thing.{and I'm always gonna have a bigger bottom than top - it's just part of my sexy self}


And I don't want to hear people I love beating up on themselves either.

I will be enforcing this. With ruthless compassion.

I hope you will too.

xo

p.s. And it's more than "beating up on myself (or yourself). It's deflecting compliments or negating them by saying things like, "but I've got a lot more weight to lose".

AND it's 74 pounds now! :D

p.p.s. Let's include strangers in this too! Stop making judgements based on how someone looks. 

Surprising

This photo (taken this past Sunday, May 13) surprised me.

Usually I see a photo like this - and I ask the person to remove it from Facebook. I look at my face, and my body and then I usually need some time to myself.

The first thing I thought when I saw this was, "I look normal!".

Not that being overweight (which I still am) isn't normal. I just didn't have one bad thing to say or think (even with messy hair, no make-up and a spatula in my hand). It just is. And I love that girl.

Even more surprising was this photo I saw the other day. It was taken 1 month and 1 week before I started this weight loss journey.

Holy crap. This made me feel depressed for a few moments and then I got it. I've lost 72.5 pounds since this photo was taken.

I have. 

ME.

I DID THAT.

I am DOING THAT.

And nobody is more surprised than me.

Just Sayin'....

Here are some things to NOT say to someone who is losing/ has lost weight:
{not ALL of these have been said to me...}

* you look SO MUCH better
* you better slow down/stop now, you'll float away
* you better slow down/stop now, you'll lose your curves
* don't get too thin
* you skinny bitch


So, what are some things to say to someone who is losing/has lost weight?
{ALL of these have been said to me....}
* you're kicking ass at the weight loss!
* you look great, gorgeous!
* holy crap, you've lost weight!
* I'm proud of you
* you're inspiring


 Thank you for the love and support. It's making a world of difference for me. xo

Deep Thought for Today

"You will stop turning to food when you start understanding in your body, not just your mind, that there is something better...Truth, not force, does the work of ending compulsive eating."

—  Geneen Roth

Getting Unstuck

 

Here I am. 63 lbs lighter. I got a little stuck between 50-60 and had so much going on - family visits, birthdays, illness. 

I kept on trucking - just in a little bit of a lower gear.

I came up with an action plan last Monday to kick it into high gear (and then promptly got sick) but I'm back, baby. I'm back! 

My Action Plan:

* plan meals & eat them (i.e. Stay *ON* Program) ~ this has been part of my success since the beginning. To stop, think and plan ahead for what I'll eat the next day. Then I just eat that plan. 

* no going out to eat ~ this is part of the above and I'm just reeling it in a bit. I can easily find things to eat at restaurants but it's harder and much more tempting so I'll putting this on hold (for now).

* track days *on* program ~ I'm doing this like a good manufacturing plant: 123 DAYS ACCIDENT FREE. I don't know if this one will work for me, by I'm willing to try it. I know I haven't had caffeine, soda, sugar, and other things for 147 days. And knowing that it's been 147 days, it helps me to not have those days and have to start the count over

* read Life is Hard, Food is Easy by Linda Spangle ~ I'm reading a bit of this every day.

* Zumba 4-5 times per week ~ (as soon as I can stop coughing, I'm back on it!)

* walk Molly every day that it's not raining

* drink 100 oz. water per day ~ I've been really good with 80 and pushing it up to 100 now

* blog once a week ~ HELLO! :D

And adding in now - getting how freaking amazing I am. Every day. No matter what I weigh. 

xo

Out of the Closet

So to speak.

I posted on Facebook the other day that I had lost 50.5 pounds now. I couldn't help it. It feels so freaking good - and also surreal. Like I can't even believe I'm actually doing this.

I was very wary of sharing about this weight loss journey (despite this blog, that I don't think many people read anyway so that's why I've been sharing here). Wary because of all the times in the past when I stood up and said, I'm doing it, I'm really doing it this time - just to fail. I didn't want people to think x,y,z about me if I shared and failed again.

But, nothing (bad) that anyone could think or say about it me could hold a candle to some of the crap I've thought and said to myself so...I'm out of the proverbial closet.

I am doing this - and I'm out of the business of talking shit to and about myself. {Funny how that can make a big difference in how you treat yourself and what you put into your mouth}.

I also know that I am loved - overweight or not.

I'm just heading to the not option - and having a pretty damn good time too.

Size 18 Jeans & Onward

I went clothes shopping yesterday and tried on a pair of size 22 jeans (I was wearing a size 24 at the time that were too big). The 22s were HUGE on me.

The saleslady was all, "you need an 18". I was all, "yeah right".

I ended up with the 18 (and they're a tad loose).

They were having a buy one/get one half off sale and I asked my shopping buddy if she wanted the half off ones because I wasn't going to get 2 pairs of jeans. She did.

BUT, then I thought, oh, shoot, I could have got a pair of size 16 because I'll be needing those.

And that's how I know this time is for keeps.

I have never been so confident, so sure in my life. I just know that I'll be in a size 16, 14, 12, etc. in no time.

It's fun and scary and thrilling and 40.5 lbs gone since November 21.

Onward. :)

Doing It

My beautiful friend, LL, sent this to me today.

And I say YES!

37.5 lbs gone since 11/21/11.

I'm so rockin' this.

Letting Go of Perfection

I'm going to Hawaii in a couple of weeks and I asked my husband (aka Shmoopie) this morning: "do you think if I planned it and made a conscious choice, it would be okay to have ONE shave ice in Hawaii?"

He basically told me that this weight loss journey is more about creating new habits - and in the past, I wouldn't plan, or think or make any kind of conscious choice. I would just eat whatever the hell I wanted, whenever I wanted.

This sounds simple. It is. But not easy.

Not for a perfectionist like me. BUT - this perfectionism is part of what got me here (m.o.) in the first place. I would think: "well, I can't do all that perfect {eat only healthy foods 100% of the time, exercise for whatever time/length "they" tell you to, etc. etc. etc.} so I just won't do ANY of it."

And I didn't. AND not only did I not do ANY of it, but it was all so overwhelming and god damned depressing that I just ate and ate and ate more.

And now, I'm doing the very best I can do, and planning ahead and making choices and getting that this is for life - not till I get to whatever weight and then back to the old ways. AND I'm getting that I can be healthy, make healthy choices and have a shave ice in Hawaii. I won't be beating myself up about it.

I'll be eating it while wearing my new bathing suit top that I had to buy because my old one was falling off - and my much looser than last summer swim shorts. :)

Aloha!

Patience

is so not my virtue!

I do an hour of Zumba, get in the car, look down at my legs and think, "what the hell? Why am I not smaller?"

Ha!

I so want the immediate gratification but I also know that I didn't eat one cupcake and turn into an obese person.

It sneaks up.

And so does the good.

I'm practicing the patience part.

No More Excuses

This hit me today, while talking to my dear, dear Kristin - that maybe one of the reasons it took me this long to go on this weight loss journey is that once I did this, there'd be no more room for any kind of excuses.

I wouldn't be able to say, "I can't" or "it's impossible".

Because I'm doing the "impossible" right now.

Dammit! Why didn't I think of this sooner!! :)

Confidence

Here's my face at officially 30 lbs. less than it was on Nov 21, 2011.

I'm trying to not say: "but I have so much more to lose".


I've lost 30 lbs. in 2 months!! I am SO doing this!!

I don't know if people are noticing...I haven't heard much in that arena. But I am seeing some differences - in my face, loser clothes, loser rings, etc.

One of the biggest differences though is my confidence - or lack of self-consciousness.

I'm still overweight, still want to lose over 100 lbs - but I feel GOOD. I know it's because even though I weigh xxx lbs right now, the feeling of hopelessness is gone. I'm in action.

I'm confident.

Suck on that, shame. ;)

Shame

Been turning this one over and over - I really didn't want to share about my weight loss journey because in the past, when I'd share, and then fail, I would feel so much shame. To have to tell people or answer questions or have people see me gaining it back or to stop trying.

It's scary.

This is coming up right now because I went for an opportunity that I really wanted and it didn't work out and I find myself wishing that I just hadn't shared it with anyone so I don't have to now share that I didn't get it.

More on this soon(er or later).

Like I said, it's scary.

ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMb-AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

So I did an hour of zumba with my JoJo on Monday night. I SO did not want to go. And 10 minutes in, I was thinking, no way. I can't do this. My arms are already killing me.

Then an hour later, I had did the whole hour and am going back for more twice a week!

At some point, I just told myself that I was going to do it - to keep going. I modified it some (as the instructor instructed that she was going to bounce off the walls and we shouldn't feel like we needed to keep up with her supreme bouncey level of zumba).

So yeah, at some points, I was just doing the African Anteater Ritual but it worked my shit over and I did it.

I am doing it. ;)

Out Loud

I said it out loud to people last night.

I've lost 22.5 lbs. in 7 weeks.

Then I immediately said, "but I've still got, like 200 lbs. to go".

Which isn't true (but I'm not ready to discuss numbers yet).

Why can't I just celebrate the accomplishment and not undermine with a second statement like that?

Because it's true. And sometimes it feels unsurmountable.

And there you go.

Ch-Ch-Changes

Time to pat myself on the back as week 7 comes to a close.

I'm down 22.5 lbs. and 45.25 inches on last check (last checked 2 weeks ago and I get that checked again this week, I think).

In 49 days, I haven't had sugar, fast food, diet soda (or any other soda), caffeine, or alcohol and very, very little salt/sodium. I also eat all meats sitting at the table (not in front of the TV) and use my dishes, silverware, etc. (so nice to not eat off a wrapper!).

I drink 100 oz. of water a day (and pee myself silly).

Every night, I plan what I'll be eating the next day and then just follow that plan. I weigh and measure everything I eat.

I'm down about 2 sizes in jeans but can't really find any that fit right now so I bought a new, smaller belt {stupid smaller waist with bigger butt!}.

I cut my knee shaving the other day because I'm not used to the smaller surface area. ;)

I rock. :D

Deprivation 2

I can see that any choice in my life leaves me "deprived".

Choosing to not have children deprives me of buying cute, tiny clothes and watching them grow up and the kind of love that only people with children know. But having children would deprive me of sleeping in, freedom to do what I want, when I want, etc.

I think it's the same with anything. Being married, jobs, etc.

When I choose one thing, I'm also choosing to not have the opposite - aka: there are pros and cons to everything.

So far, not having cake is less of a con than a smaller ass.

So far. ;)

Deprivation

I went to a class at Metabolic Research Center called "Making New Year's Resolutions that Work".

One of the points in a 10 point approach is "ditch the deprivation perception". The idea being to look at this diet plan as a lifestyle change, a choice, a commitment to yourself and my health.

Sitting there, I had an A-HA moment. I was thinking, "yeah, I'm committed but I am depriving myself of chocolate, tacos and what-not". BUT - I could have those things and then be depriving myself of being thin, healthier, wearing cute clothes, going on beach vacations unselfconsciously, etc. So either way, there's "deprivation" going on. It's just a matter of which one I want to live more without (or with).

*Choice* {word for 2012}

Also, choose, choosing.

I haven't done resolutions for years. And let's face it, I never really "did" them, even when I made them. A big part of the reason was that they were always too broad - lose weight. That's pretty overwhelming - and can still be overwhelming, but I'm focusing on choice.

Dictionary.com, defines choice as an act or instance of choosing. Choosing is defined as selecting from a number of possibilities; picking by preference - or to prefer or decide, to want, desire.

None of these quite ring true for me and I'm choosing {see what I did there? ;)} more the definition - or distinction from the Landmark Forum....

The Nature of Choice

The power to choose is uniquely human. We all have a high interest in shaping the course of our lives – making the right choices and pursuing what is important to us. One commonly held view regards choice as merely reacting to, or selecting among, the existing options. Here we take another view.

In this section, we explore choice as a profoundly human ability to create. When choice is understood and known in this way, what had previously seemed simply part of “the way things are” – inevitable or impervious to change – appears in a new light. We find ourselves able to choose – to have a say – about who we are and who we will be, as the author of our lives in any and all situations.

Word.

That's it. Exactly.

I'm creating a life I want, that's important to me. I have the say, the power to make it so.

I think William Ernest Henley said it best:
"I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul."

Today is day 43 of my weight loss journey. I've lost 19.5 lbs. and at last check, 45¼ inches. It's still a long road and some days, I feel like I'll never get there (patience has never been one of my strong suits). But really, I do know I will get there. I keep choosing and I've never felt so sure. In the last 43 days, I've faced Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, Birthdays and dinners out (and last night, a majorly fantastic looking cake that seemed to be calling to me). And I've made the choices that align with my goals and commitments to myself and my health. What's more, I'm more present and happy. Deliriously happy that my commitments and actions are finally matching up.

I think that's part of the heartache involved in anything we say we want but do not have. Every time I make a choice that's not aligned with what I say I want, I beat myself up and tell myself that I'm "bad" and "wrong" and other not nice things. Then I become what I believe - someone who doesn't keep her word (to the most important person, myself) and then my actions match up with someone who doesn't keep her word and down the rabbit hole I go.

I believe I can do this. I am doing this. I am making myself proud.